As some may know,
Heather and I were stage managers last year, and last year when some staff members and other volunteers didn’t pull their weight, we ended up basically running the main stage. We didn’t complain because we were there to work and appreciate a job well done. This over-working did not lead to the demise of my fandom, it just weighs in.
This year, we were assigned very light duties (due to our predicament last year).
And three guesses what happened with this year’s party.
Yep, other volunteers and/or staff fell down on their duties and we once again did stage managing for the entire Oscar party broadcast.
After the telecast, we went to the VIP tent to relax, and maybe catch some snaps of the famous folk as they arrived and/or mingled, yeah?
So this is the VIP tent, where everyone is supposed to be VIPs and be professional.
So when the stars start showing up, everyone crowds around the tent opening and the path to the VIP room within the tent (where the stars will be sequestered before they go onstage)
There is pushing and shoving, and when Elijah and Dom come in and go by, the looks of terror on their faces as they scuttle to the VIP tent break my heart, and the surrounding of them by the “VIPs” who look to be friends of staff and other volunteers force things into perspective and undeniable focus.
And my mind snaps.
“What the hell am I doing here?” “This is not me, anymore, was it ever?”
I had to go, I had to get out, I was sickened to my very core.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not chastising fandom for any fans out there, I’m not producing judgment (that’s not my bag, baby.)
But it’s not for me.
The cult of celebrity and fandom is such a bizarre creature – I mean, I would have loved to chat with Elijah (you know, or have sex with him because he is so fucking cute), or have a discussion with PJ – but in a friendly manner – these are just people! No one special, just people.
Contingency has placed them in a position where they are admired by many, worshipped by some and I don’t understand it.
So why am I here? To catch a glimpse of Dominic Monahan so I can know for sure he’s real? To get a pic so I can post it on the interweb and say “yeah, I was there?” It’s really not that big of a deal to me
I mean; I fucking love Lord of the Rings. As a novel it really helped me with it’s philosophy on sacrifice and humility; it tickled my lust for language and mythic theme.
And I have liked the movies a great deal – not to say there are quite a few decisions I am very unhappy with, still on a whole they have brought the themes and feeling of the book to life for many fans.
But to be a fan of a person who was in a movie made of a book I like seems like too much diffusion and distance to be fanatical about.
I can’t get excited by the aspect of “meeting” Peter Jackson – unless it is as a peer, or as a friend – you know, to meet and say hi and have a chat.
But PJ is just a director – he’s not special (intrinsically) – in his field, yes, etc.
So It is broken down to this:
We are all special – there is just as cool and talented and special a person in your own town who has no celebrity. And you can meet them, talk to them, collaborate with them.
Celebrity has no monopoly on talent or charm; (not that celebrity rules this out, I’m not nay saying that either). I just realize that talent doesn’t make you famous. Charm does not bring you celebrity. Contingency brings you fame.
And I cannot bring myself to put any sort of value or respect to contingency. It just is.
And in that moment when this went through my brain, standing there as a frightened Elijah walked past, this came into clarity with such force, and with such contrast with my physicality there, I was broken.
Poor Heather had to succumb to my whim and my momentary mental difficulties in joining me in leaving at once.
We just left. No goodie bag, no goodbyes to people we met, I needed out. I was not this fan person anymore – I was just going through the motions, and at my age and position I have no time in my life for spending attention, money, or interest on anything that I have indifference to.
So I realized that I was a walking corpse, disconnected, alone. I felt like Frodo back in the Shire – I was at “home” in L.A., feeling oh so far away.